so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
