You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
