Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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