The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just want to make out with him forever
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sext me about skeletons
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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