hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
