Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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