next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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