Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
