anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
