I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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