you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
