The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
