I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
