Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
COCAINE IS GR8
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
