So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
