I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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