Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
