i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
