I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
