we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
