I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
