We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I want a musical about memes.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
