you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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