but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize