Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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