walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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