Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
