I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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