I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
