my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize