my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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