when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
now i know why i became what i already was.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
His nipple licking is glorious
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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