I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
