I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
