Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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