I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
