we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
