He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
