i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
