I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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