I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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