you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
