Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
