if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My balls are so social today.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's just like the Real World with babies
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
