I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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