i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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