Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
