I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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