i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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