Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
