help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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