I can text with my tongue
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
