Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
