I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
