my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He passed out mid-signature
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize