I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
